The Phaser Heard Round the World
by BuckyRea
Summary: The long lost Star Trek script that answers that age old question: 'Who would win in a fight between Captain Kirk and George Washington?'
1. The Phaser Heard Round the World (scenes...

"The Phaser Heard Round the World"  
  
[Shot of Enterprise circling Earth. Voice over from KIRK]  
  
KIRK  
Stardate 5322-point-9. It is five days now since Chief Engineer "Scotty" Scott accidentally flung the Enterprise back in time with a transporter malfunction while rerouting the flux capacitor.   
  
It was only quick thinking by Chief Science Officer Spock that we were able to clear out the smoke from the burned out vacuum tubes and replace the magnetic tape reels in the computer banks.   
  
But now we are trapped in the past and have established orbit around the ancient planet Earth, having received a distress call from the eastern seaboard of North America, sometime around the year 1780.  
  
I am leading a landing party down to the surface of the planet to investigate.  
  
Captain's log: personal. I can only hope that my brief, yet tempestuous affair with Enterprise uchroniologist Dr. Mimi Nelson will not impair her ability to function as a federation officer in the field.  
  
  
[Shot of landing party beaming onto surface. Set should be a minimalist forest-like design with red sky. Members of landing party include KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, MIMI, and 2 SECURITY GUARDS wearing RED SHIRTS]  
  
KIRK  
Bones, scan the area.  
  
SPOCK  
Captain, I'm picking up life signs nearby  
  
[Close up shot of MIMI, pouting (soft focus)]  
  
MIMI  
(gasping) Jim!  
  
[Wide angle shot. 4 BRITISH SOLDIERS and MAJOR ANDRE move onto soundstage, shoot the 2 SECURITY GUARDS, and capture the rest of the LANDING PARTY]  
  
ANDRE  
So! Rebel spies. We'll deal with you. Who's your contact? What are you doing here?  
  
KIRK  
(restrained by 2 BRITISH SOLDIERS) Go to the devil!  
  
ANDRE  
Ha ha ha ha!  
  
[ANDRE and BRITISH SOLDIERS lead their captives off the set.]  
  
  
[Exterior shot of British camp with much stage business among the SOLDIERS]  
  
  
[Interior shot, GENERAL CLINTON's tent. ANDRE and MIMI enter. MIMI is now attired in a period costume and acts flirty with ANDRE. ANDRE salutes CLINTON]  
  
  
(note to wardrobe: 18th century dresses should accentuate Miss Garr's bosom amply, but how much leg and midriff can we show while remaining "authentic" ?)  
  
  
CLINTON  
Major Andre, did you meet your contact?  
  
ANDRE  
Not yet, sir. We encountered several spies on the way to the rendezvous and captured them. They were carrying these.  
  
CLINTON  
(examining phaser) A very curious pistol. Who's this woman?  
  
[Close up/soft focus on MIMI. Sudden violin and harp music in background]  
  
MIMI  
I'm Dr. Mimi Nelson of the USS Enterprise, General Clinton. It's a pleasure to meet you.  
  
[Shot of ANDRE, leering]  
  
ANDRE  
Mrs. Nelson was amongst the spies, sir. I believe she's, ah, willing to come over to His Majesty's side now.  
  
[Close up shot of ANDRE's eyebrows undulating]  
  
MIMI  
I've had enough of the high and mighty Captain James T. Kirk.  
  
  
[Interior shot. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY are held captive in a high security canvas tent.]  
  
SPOCK  
(peering through a hole in the canvas) Captain, our friend Major Andre is leaving the camp again. I don't see Dr. Nelson with him. I would surmise she is still talking with General Clinton.  
  
MCCOY  
Spock! You and your blasted Vulcan logic!  
  
KIRK  
Gentlemen, let's not argue. We need to focus on getting out of here before Mimi--err--Dr. Nelson does damage to the time-space continuum. Quick, Bones, start coughing.  
  
MCCOY  
Coughing?  
  
KIRK  
Yes, it was a 20th Century, I mean 18th Century, method for dealing with sickness back before they cured the common cold. Trust me, this'll work.  
  
MCCOY  
(coughing) A-huh! A-huh!  
  
BRITISH SOLDIER  
(entering tent) What's this here, then?  
  
KIRK  
Quick, Spock. Pinch him!  
  
BRITISH SOLDIER  
Ouch!  
  
KIRK  
The neck, Spock! Pinch his neck!  
  
[SPOCK gives Vulcan neck pinch to BRITISH SOLDIER, who collapses]  
  
  
[Exterior shot. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY run unobserved across the British camp to GENERAL CLINTON's tent]  
  
  
[Interior shot, CLINTON's tent]  
  
MCCOY  
Our phasers!  
  
KIRK  
And our communicators. (Picking up communicator from the table top) Scotty, three to beam up. Now!  
  
[CLINTON and 3 SOLDIERS burst into tent and fire at KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY as they "beam up"]  
  
CLINTON  
Huh?  
  
  
[Interior shot, the bridge of the Enterprise. KIRK, SPOCK, and MCCOY come through the futuristic "sliding" doors. SULU, CHEKHOV, and UHURA are already on the set]  
  
KIRK  
Status, Mr. Sulu  
  
SULU  
I'm tracking Major Andre right now, Captain. He's heading through the woods and he's about to meet up with someone in a blue uniform.  
  
KIRK  
That would be the American general, Benedict Arnold. We've. Got. To. Stop. Them.  
  
SPOCK  
Captain, I remind you of the Prime Directive that prohibits any Federation officer from interfering in the development of pre-warp humanoid cultures.  
  
KIRK  
But Spock, that refers to living, breathing cultures. This culture isn't alive--they own slaves, they have taxation without representation, they're backwards. And besides, their culture is dumb. We have to save them from themselves.  
  
[SPOCK nods in agreement]  
  
UHURA  
(spinning in her techno-futuristic swivel chair) Captain, I'm scared.  
  
KIRK  
Whatever.  
  
CHEKHOV  
Kiptin, I've located Major Andre. His signal indicates he's carrying Dr. McCoy's tricorder.  
  
MCCOY  
(slapping forehead) D'oh!  
  
KIRK  
Scotty, have a landing party meet us in the transporter room immediately. We've got to go back and get our stuff!  
  
  
To be continued  



	2. The Phaser Heard Round the World (scenes...

"The Phaser Heard Round the World"  
  
  
[Exterior shot of forest. LANDING PARTY consisting of KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, and 3 SECURITY GUARDS wearing RED SHIRTS beams onto planet.]  
  
SPOCK  
(looking at tricorder) Captain, Major Andre and the doctor's tricorder are just over this rise.  
  
[The LANDING PARTY walks off set]  
  
  
[Exterior shot with the fake shrubbery slightly rearranged to suggest it's a different part of the forest. The LANDING PARTY watches MAJOR ANDRE get pursued and captured by 3 AMERICAN SOLDIERS. Suddenly MCCOY coughs]  
  
FIRST SOLDIER  
Look! Redcoats!  
  
[The AMERICAN SOLDIERS fire their rifles and the 3 SECURITY GUARDS fall down. The AMERICAN SOLDIERS get out their powder horns and ramrods to start reloading]  
  
KIRK  
(to Spock and McCoy) Quick, surrender before they fire again.  
  
SPOCK  
But Captain--  
  
KIRK  
Just follow my orders, Spock.  
  
MCCOY  
And none of your blasted Vulcan logic!  
  
FIRST SOLDIER  
You there, you spies! You're coming with us!  
  
[The AMERICAN SOLDIERS march the LANDING PARTY and ANDRE off screen. Lurking in the bushes is GENERAL BENEDICT ARNOLD, who limps off toward CLINTON's camp]  
  
  
[Exterior shot, Washington's camp at West Point. GENERALS WASHINGTON and KNOX and COLONEL HAMILTON are looking about for ARNOLD]  
  
(Note to Casting: is it still possible to get James Arness to cameo for the Washington role? I know our pay isn't competitive, but it's a fairly small role and I'm pretty sure we can get Shatner to give up his "star" dressing room for the week.)  
  
  
WASHINGTON  
Now where the devil did that General Arnold get off to?  
  
HAMILTON  
Your Excellency! Our sentries are approaching.  
  
[The 3 AMERICAN SOLDIERS with PRISONERS in tow, approach WASHINGTON. THEY exchange salutes]  
  
FIRST SOLDIER  
General Washington, sir, we've captured these spies trying to cross into our lines.  
  
WASHINGTON  
Spies, eh? No doubt trying to hook up with that traitor Benedict Arnold. Well, we'll hang the lot of them if they can't give us Arnold in exchange.  
  
[Close up shot of MCCOY reacting to this news, then fainting]  
  
WASHINGTON  
March the rest of these men to the stockade. General Knox, see to this injured man.  
  
KNOX  
Damn it, General, I'm an engineer, not a doctor.  
  
  
[Interior shot, CLINTON's tent. CLINTON chases MIMI around the table in the tent. He nearly corners her, until she clonks him over the head with a Paul Revere silver plate and runs off into the woods.]  
  
CLINTON  
(calling out from the tent) Guards! After her!  
  
  
[Exterior shot, the forest with the plastic shrubbery rearranged yet a different way. MIMI runs into ARNOLD as he heads toward the British camp. Soft focus close up on MIMI. Violin and harp music swells]  
  
MIMI  
General Arnold!  
  
ARNOLD  
You know me, madam?  
  
MIMI  
(getting a sly smile) Yes, I'm from the future. In my time, the 23rd Century, you're quite famous for tricking the British spy John Andre into betraying himself and then saving General Washington by killing his would-be assassin, Captain James T. Kirk.  
  
ARNOLD  
I am? That is, I do?  
  
MIMI  
Absolutely. And in gratitude, King, I mean "General" Washington--sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that--names you Duke, I mean "Governor" of Connecticut. And then he's going to give you lots of gold.  
  
ARNOLD  
For saving his life, you say?  
  
MIMI  
Absolutely. But you'll need to hurry back to West Point. It's almost the exact time that the villainous Captain Kirk ties to kill the great General.  
  
  
[Interior shot, Washington's headquarters. WASHINGTON is interrogating a seated KIRK, with HAMILTON beside him]  
  
WASHINGTON  
Very well, spy. You can begin by telling me your name and where you're from.   
  
KIRK  
I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the United Federation of Planets and I'm no spy.  
  
HAMILTON  
Not a spy? Then why is a military officer running around dressed like a common laborer? And what is that thing on your uniform?  
  
KIRK  
It's the Nike swish, the symbol of the Federation's official sponsor. And this uis/u my uniform. Now if you'll let me explain--  
  
WASHINGTON  
The only thing you'll explain, "Captain," is where Benedict Arnold is. Give up that Judas and I'll let you and your pointy-eared friend off with just a prison sentence.  
  
KIRK  
And a good flogging to boot, I suppose.  
  
WASHINGTON  
Sir, this is the United States' Continental Army. We do not flog people here.  
  
HAMILTON  
We whip them. It's called flogging in the navy.  
  
[There is a scream from off set. WASHINGTON, HAMILTON, and KIRK look up to the ceiling and run out the door]  
  
  
[Interior shot of upstairs bedroom. PEGGY SHIPTON ARNOLD is in her jammies and is screaming hysterically, sitting on the bed. WASHINGTON, HAMILTON, and KIRK run in]  
  
WASHINGTON  
Mrs. Arnold!  
  
PEGGY  
Stop! They're trying to kill me! They're all out to kill me!  
  
WASHINGTON  
Mrs. Arnold, you've got to calm down.  
  
KIRK  
I'll handle this.  
  
[KIRK grabs and embraces PEGGY. Soft focus close up shot of them smooching. Quick-then-lingering violin crescendo overdub. PEGGY slowly and calmly opens her eyes, entranced]  
  
PEGGY  
Oh, my. I don't know what came over me.  
  
HAMILTON  
You've got to teach me how to do that.  
  
WASHINGTON  
Captain Kirk, traitor or not, no one macks on an officer's wife like that. I will see you punished, sir.  
  
[Slow military drumbeat overdub]   
  
To be continued...  



	3. The Phaser Heard Round the World (scenes...

"The Phaser Heard Round the World"  
  
  
[Exterior shot, WASHINGTON's camp. An AMERICAN SOLDIER drums a steady beat while 2 AMERICAN SOLDIERS tie KIRK to the lashing post. WASHINGTON, KNOX, HAMILTON, and PEGGY stand to review, while 2 MORE AMERICAN SOLDIERS guard SPOCK and MCCOY]   
  
(note to Casting--Juanita, can we afford this many extras? I'm sure we saved money on that Tribble episode. If the budget dept. kvetches, maybe we can throw this by Desi ?)   
  
  
SPOCK  
(whispering to McCoy) Doctor, the situation looks precarious. Can you cough or faint to create a diversion?  
  
MCCOY  
(whispering to Spock) Why should I do all the coughing and fainting, you elf-eared poophead? Maybe it's your turn to create a diversion.  
  
  
[Interior shot, bridge of the Enterprise. SCOTTY is in the captain's chair]  
  
CHEKHOV  
Meesterl Scott, I'm picking up a Klingon wessel leading a flotilla of British frigates right down the Hudson River toward West Point. I think they're going to attack the Kiptin!  
  
SCOTTY  
Well, the captain's orders were not to interfere dirrrectly, but mebbe I kin just shek her up a wee bit. Mister Sulu, let's give her a test of what the old Enterprrrise can duu.  
  
UHURA  
Actually, no. You really ought to just blow up the Klingons.  
  
SCOTTY  
(disappointed) Oh, alright.  
  
  
[Shot of KIRK at whipping post. AMERICAN SOLDIERS rip his shirt off. KIRK winces manfully]  
  
  
[Close up of PEGGY, who gasps, swoons, and faints at sight of KIRK shirtless]  
  
[Shot of KIRK, taking a series of sharp lashes like a man]  
  
[Shot of approaching Klingon wessel zooming down the Hudson toward West Point to overdub of exciting battle music]  
  
  
[Close up of ARNOLD and MIMI emerging from behind some plastic bushes, into Washington's camp at West Point]  
  
ARNOLD  
General Washington! Quick, get your cannons ready! There's a Klingon ship flying straight at us! The British mean to capture West Point!  
  
WASHINGTON  
General Knox, see to your twenty pounders. We'll show those Tories a thing or two.  
  
[KNOX and AMERICAN SOLDIERS run and start loading cannons overlooking the Hudson]  
  
[SPOCK and MCCOY break loose and free KIRK. HAMILTON and 2 AMERICAN SOLDIERS run after them. A bunch of STUNT DOUBLES beat the stuffing out of each other]  
  
WASHINGTON  
More guards! Quickly, the prisoners are loose!  
  
ARNOLD  
General Washington, you're safe. Good. I see my feint flushed out those assassins. You'd better come with me, Your Excellency.  
  
  
[Shot of Klingon vessel with battle music overdub. Interior shot of GENERALS CLINTON, HOWE, and K'TANG biting their lips eagerly aboard the Klingon vessel's bridge. Shot of Enterprise to more battle music. Enterprise fires phasers]  
  
  
[Exterior shot of KNOX at his cannons]  
  
KNOX  
The Klingons are coming, the Klingons are coming. On my word boys ...and ...FIRE!  
  
[American twenty-pounders fire. Shot of Klingon vessel blowing up as phasers strike it. Shot of KNOX and AMERICAN SOLDIERS shouting for joy]  
  
[Exterior shot of the LANDING PARTY, having just beat up the CONTINENTALS]  
  
KIRK  
Where's Dr. Nelson and Benedict Arnold?  
  
HAMILTON  
(from ground) They just rushed General Washington to safety from your assassins, spy.  
  
[KIRK runs off set towards them]  
  
  
[Exterior shot of ARNOLD, MIMI, and WASHINGTON walking toward guard house. Just as ARNOLD pulls out a phaser and levels it at WASHINGTON's back, KIRK runs on set, jumps through the air, and takes out ARNOLD and WASHINGTON with a flying body slam. ARNOLD gets up and holds a phaser up to MIMI's head]  
  
ARNOLD  
Don't move or the girl gets it. I know how to use this thing.  
  
WASHINGTON  
So, Benedict. It seems you were no gentleman after all!  
  
ARNOLD  
Yes, and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.  
  
[ARNOLD, holding MIMI hostage, begins to back up toward the plastic forest set pieces. Suddenly PEGGY, holding a phaser in her two quivering hands, emerges from behind a cherry tree]  
  
PEGGY  
No, I won't let you leave me for that girl!  
  
MIMI  
"Girl?"  
  
ARNOLD  
Peggy, no! It's not what it seems! I'm doing this all for you!  
  
[ARNOLD and PEGGY turn on each other, fire their phasers and disappear in a blaze of light. MIMI falls into KIRK's arms and sobs]  
  
WASHINGTON  
Kirk, I misjudged you. It seems I owe you an apology. You have truly shown me how the ends justify the means.  
  
KIRK  
(shaking Washington's hand) Sir, the honor is all mine.  
  
[SPOCK and MCCOY enter as MIMI continues to sob in soft focus close up]  
  
SPOCK  
Captain, the Klingon ship is destroyed. I believe the timeline is completely restored to normal.  
  
KIRK  
Good. Let's get the blazes out of here. Scotty, four to beam up.  
  
[As WASHINGTON salutes them, the LANDING PARTY fades into static. Roll credits]  
  
End  
  
(Harlan--excellent first draft! I'm sure Gene will be eager to run with it. If budget gets to be too big an issue, I'm sure we can 86 the research department on this ep. We'll take a lunch with Desi and get back to you soon.)   



End file.
